When No Place Feels Like Home: 3 Ways to Find Where You Belong
What do you do when NO place feels like home? What if when watching Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz clicking the heels of her ruby slippers three times and crying out that famous line – “there’s no place like home” – you found yourself shaking your head, feeling very much alone, and silently wishing that you HAD a place – ANY PLACE – that felt like home?
If that sounds like you, you’re not alone.
When no place feels like home, loneliness, self-doubt, and isolation take root. As humans, we want and need to feel as if we belong to something, to somewhere, to someone. But as furniture retailer IKEA’s fifth annual Life at Home Report pointed out: The fact is that for so many of us – nearly 40 percent of Americans – we just don’t feel a sense of belonging in our own homes. The report shared that people today do not feel at home in the very place they call home.
So why is that? And if you’re feeling as if no place feels like home to you, what can you do about it?
The study pointed to five common elements that they determined were needed to make a home feel like home. Those included: Privacy, comfort, ownership, security, and belonging.
Growing up, my home wasn’t a place of comfort or security. With a mom and a sister, both diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, my home was a place where madness lived. I tried to substitute home with work. For years, my jobs were more so the place I felt secure. My career made me feel as if I belonged, to the point where it then became my identity. When I was let go from my high profile, high paying executive position, I lost even that sense of belonging. The very question of “Who am I?” was one I struggled to answer.
Personally, my home had become a shameful secret that I desperately tried to hide from the outside world. Professionally, climbing the ladder at work to achieve bigger titles and even bigger paychecks filled a void in me, but never for very long. It wasn’t until I found someone – a counselor – who helped me feel secure and comforted and with whom I could be my true self that I was able to look inside myself to finally truly belong – no matter where I might physically be.
That’s when I really began to understand: When no place feels like home, it’s because we don’t feel at home inside our own skins. Home isn’t so much a physical location, but a state of being and owning all of who we are. The more I feared my family’s mental illness, the more insecure and alone I became. The more I made my job my identity, the more it owned me, and I began to lose sight of my own power.
I’ve learned that when no place feels like home, there are three things you can do to help you find your way back to you:
1. Give Yourself A Social Media Break
Constantly scrolling through your Facebook feed may have you thinking as if everyone else is out partying and living incredible lives – while you sit solo wondering, “why them and not me?” The truth is that what most people post socially is not showing the full picture. It’s their highlight reel. Just like when you see coming attractions for a movie, you’re only being given the best clips. Comparing yourself to others is the quickest way to rob yourself of your joy. So choose not to do that to you. Instead, start focusing on every moment of your own life and whatever magic you might find in the madness. Start coming up with your own highlight reel. You’ll be surprised how looking at yourself with a new lens brings you peace and a sense of belonging to you.
2. Reconnect with Everything That Isn’t “Man-Made”
We spend way too much time indoors and inside our own heads. The lack of physical activity is proven to add to stress and depression and our overall lack of wellbeing. So put on your hiking boots and just start walking outside. Listen to the wind rustling the leaves of trees and the birds chirping and bugs buzzing. Smell the air and when you come across a yard with rose bushes, literally, stop and smell those roses. Remove your shoes and feel the grass or cement under your bare feet. Take pleasure in the home you are a part of: Planet Earth. Enjoy the ecosystem, and make yourself at home.
3. Remember Who You Are
When I was very little, I loved to dance. That was before I paid attention to who might see me dancing. That was before I cared about what others thought. That was before I was told by well-meaning adults to not jump around so wildly, lest my skirt rise up and show more than I should. Who were you before those voices told you something was wrong with you? Take a trip down memory lane. Google what music or movies were playing when you were five or ten or 15. Bring back joyful moments of your youth and pay attention to the times you felt at home. Start asking yourself where home is for you. You may be surprised at your answers.
Wherever we are, we bring ourselves with us. So the only place that home can be is inside of ourselves. When no place feels like home, stop looking outside for a place, a thing, or a person to be our home; rather, search your soul, open your heart, tap into your power, and find your way back to the home that is you.
Ready to find your way back to you? It’s never too late. Book a FREE 30-minute call with me. Let’s have a chat on how to get you back on the path to where you belong. Click here to schedule now.
I’m 57 and have struggled with feeling “homeless” for years despite living in expensive homes in many different areas of the country and world. This piece spoke to me on a very deep level and I appreciate you sharing it here. It will become a touchstone for me. Many thanks.
I couldn’t have written the better response than yours. It’s exactly what I have experienced. The only difference is that I M 62 years old.
I feel like I don’t belong. Nowhere feels like home, except when I’m driving on the highways. The green trees and green grass all feel like home to me. Other than that, I feel lifeless. :(
I have moved a lot. I moved from good family home right after school, which was a thing to do…to explore independence and just to forge my path. Over 30 years of living around the world I anchored in UK, where I have been living for awhile…to find and feel that home / belonging. Not until recent revelations it was becoming jsf another place. The focus has shifted on deepening relationship with my wife and surroundings making me naturally grow with the place… giving.me the feeling of belonging.
Interestingly, I have felt homeless ever since Covid started. I had a perfect little home 1508 minutes away from my daughters school and a whole routine wrapped around getting her to and from school and the shortest amount of time possible with a maximum amount of enjoyment. I filed for equal time with her, and then the court shut down for Covid. Talk about a strange occurrence. I said no problem, just stay put and wait it out. My partner didn’t want to wait it out and left. I felt the floor drop out from underneath me, and it seriously damaged the relationship I had with that partner. It wasn’t her fault. It was mine for having not gotten it sooner, but I had sought to get it, and I had done all the prep work, And so it really broke my heart. It tainted the following home for me. I’ll never get the moment back, and I spent the better part of a year and a half driving around trying to figure out where my new home was going to be. In every place I have found so far has been lacking. Really though, it is I that has been lacking. Expended, great effort, attempting to resolve this with additional training, and I got it all done, but now things have slowed, and I’m not using what I picked up. The relationship with that partner is severely damaged at this point, by me, and I feel terrible about it. it wasn’t her fault that Cove it happened. She was just trying to move forward with her life. I should’ve been grateful and loving and warm towards her, but I became sad, depressed, and basically worthless, so goes depression. I had never encountered about with it before, and it was ugly and painful. you can’t change the past, and yet I had just moved further into it, and it really bothered me. In any case, I definitely understand feeling homeless.
I have suffered this same malaise since both my parents died in 2008 and my son married and left for another state and married a woman who treats me indifferently. I have no husband and no close surviving family members. Covid impacted that even further when my doctor started losing it and I had to find a new doctor which was very painful to face during Covid as he was my doctor for 3 years. Its really sad how so much can happen all at once and if I didnt have any inner resolve I would not be alive now.
To me, home was all about family. I have to relearn that and find a new way to belong. I like the ideas in this article; it definitely does help. I am trying to find any place right now though as rents have gotten so high and housing prices have been unreachable. The only place that I feel home at all is here in PA despite all the terrible losses but I am considering a move towards Erie Pa where I can be near the water. I just cant do it right now because its so expensive there to rent an airbnb or hotel until I can find an apartment. The economy has made it even harder to find a fit. Hopefully soon. Thanks again for the article
I am just 18 but i feel homeless as if i don’t belong anywhere i don’t scroll social media but i can’t feel connected to the hobbies i feel exhausted by normal sitting and find myself sleeping a lot nothing make me happy and i find myself even exhausted to even reply what should i do
It’s going to be ok take some time to reconnect with friends or family do some self care and a little personal work and ask what am I missing in my life and go about steps to find that thing that pushes you towards happiness don’t give up tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life and you can choose to make it anything you want
Same feeling, honestly. I’m also 18, moved to another city about a year ago, since then everything changed drastically. I don’t feel like home at my hometown and still don’t feel like home at my new apartment. Everything just feels so wrong. I try to avoid returning there, go to sleepovers to my friends, because for some twisted reasons feel more comfortable there, like I belong there. It’s just so hard to open the door and understand that everything around u doesn’t mean anything to u. I thought it’s the matter of time, but it’s been more than a year and this feeling is still here with me. At some moments I can shut all of this up, at some can’t. These thoughts just keep circulating through my mind and I look at them from afar, not knowing how to manage. My social media are really supportive, I’m subscribed to people who show their true self and challenges they go through, my friends are really close to me and always support, same goes to the family. So why? I just can’t go through this state.
Eric, you wrote ur message about a year ago: if u’re reading this and something changed, please keep updated. I hope you’ve gone through this and now u feel better, I would be happy to hear your story. If not, it’s okay, really. If u feel comfortable enough, u can share your mental state right now. Hope you’ll feel better in general and because of my message too. U’re not alone❤️
Thank you for this article. For years I have tried to articulate how I felt on the subject, and never could. You captured exactly what I was feeling. I feel seen.
I’ve never felt at home, so I don’t have childhood memories to tap into for that. My childhood was chaotic. There was abuse, neglect, a mentally ill mother, an overbearing father and stepmother, moving frequently, bullying at school, etc. As much as I’ve wanted and tried, I’ve never managed to be close to anyone, either. I’m 42 now and probably never going to get married and have a family, and I’ve gone back to school and just can’t seem to find friends who want anything resembling depth and real effort. If the world weren’t so transient, I might have a chance at getting to know people slowly over time, but people move before you can connect much at this age. I don’t even have any sense that I’ll ever find a home, a place where I have my people with whom I really connect and with whom I have a shared history. God, I get jealous of people who found spouses earlier and who had more stable childhoods. I feel like there’s some book on how to find home that everyone else got a copy of and forgot to tell me about. My therapist tells me I’m doing all the right things, but so much of it is circumstantial.
Happy for those who were able to find home within, I’m still struggling and still searching.
I have had that feeling too.
My wife has gotten ill and it stopping us from going on as we use to.
Missing the opportunity were I live and staying at home with her is a real Hardship, from all the biking, gym, and other things I love.
I feel that sense of this home as a jail sentence. I have my depressing days , and wished to go back from where we moved from, where I was always happy.
Even surrounded by my stuff, I miss my home.
I’ve recently started to feel as if this city I live in is not where I belong, and to make it place I want to spend my life living. After new owners took ownership of this apartment I’ve had to start over and move into a smaller room. And everyone that I’ve met has only moved on with there lives and families. I don’t really know any of my neighbors, and all my hobbies I use to enjoy no longer interest me because I was robbed of my life at my old apartment that I lived in for 3 years. I’m close to my mother but she has medical problems and is married. I don’t know if this town is the place for me. I cannot find a job and I’m not making connections. I feel like I just want to move somewhere else.
I’ve felt “homeless” most of my life .. this book is a wonderful read:
Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home by Toko-pa Turner
I feel so alone and spritually homeless since the woman I thought of as home passed away in May 2023 that I I have dreams about fighting off a zombie apocalypse single-handedly and I’ve given up thinking of myself as belonging on this planet. I think of myself as being in prison. I just have to joylessly grind through each day until my sentence is done. I quit social media because it started feeling like watching a documentary on an alien species I cared nothing about.
During the mid 90’s I moved away from an abusive marriage with my kids. I settled in a wonderful place in a neighboring state and felt immediately at home & adopted that place as HOME. 6 years ago I met a wonderful man after being single for a long time. We married before he moved in in 2020. We both wanted a place where we could grow our own food and do some degree of homesteading. I have always been drawn to the outdoors and get out and hike quite a bit. We wound up buying a beautiful house with a nice sized property in my original state due to the housing prices increasing beyond our means in my adopted city/state. I figured with us being together and having some relatives within an hour’s drive everything would be okay. However, my husband does not interact much & is gone quite a bit trying to make money because the economy here is so depressed. I’m alone a lot and it’s hard to make true friends as the people in this area have been long established and really don’t venture or reach out. I work from home so I feel so lonely and isolated. I’ve discussed this with my husband but he doesn’t seem to totally get it. I joined a church took a part time second job and though people are friendly. It’s hard to make friends– (people who actually call you or come by or go out for coffee.) Everyone is pretty much set in their routines with their families and friends that they’ve had. All I want to do is go back to where I’d lived for over 25 years. To where I had friends and community activities and a church family that I actually felt close to… At this point I wouldn’t care if I lived in an apartment. Thank you for this article. At least I know I’m not alone in my situation. I hope we all find our inner peace and “inner home”.
I’m glad I’m not alone in this feeling
The environment I grew up in never felt like home. I couldn’t wait to leave when I was 16. Then I was a nomad for 15 years, always moving around. Home was the people I loved, who cared about me. I lost everyone and everything and now I long for belonging. A home. Somewhere safe where I can feel accepted for who I am. Dream on
I can only talk from personal experience. I came from a totally dysfunctional family. Emotionally absent mother and physically absent father. On top of that my mother suffered from depression and my father from alcohol abuse. My three older sisters were also absent in my life so I basically grew up “homeless.” To this day I cannot feel at home in my own house. I don’t believe I will ever really feel at home anywhere else either.
I am so sad. I like your suggestions. thank you
Oct. 18 2024, Christina
Home is gone sure I bought one im 60 almost 61 been with my significant other for 41 years things were fair between us until approx. 10 yrs ago. Due to drugs and corruption human trafficking of 6 of my 8 gkids and my daughter the loss of numerous family members over last 10 years and the start of a what became a abusive relationship even though I was a somewhat strong woman I started loosing my sense of where was my home. I’m still looking im in a dark place like hell now my significant other has become my warden in this prison I had thrusted into. I am afraid to leave even though I have the key 🔑 . I’m so alone my daughter at 43 here recently who is autistic was a great kid had endured hell on earth she to became the victim of human trafficking along with her children and now at age 43 has herself walked away from. Home leaving her children with me her gkids are here as well . My youngest boy in prison in his early 40s children 3 out of 5 trafficked by our government with one escaping making it back 5 years later who had been trusted into our home as he waits for his dad and my other boy the middle child also caught up in addiction. Feel as if everything I’ve done my entire life had been wronged not sure how to get myself home again as I have no one I trust to help me use the tools I once used . This dark place is quickly becoming a hole as I’ve become sick have heart attacks am diabetic and not wanting to fix myself . I’m sleeping yelling screaming crying fighting and arguing and can’t find anyone who will help only blame r . Because I am the escape goat. I’ve had enough !
I wish. I was at boarding school – i have so few memories that are good as a kid, i hated being away from home but i didn’t have a choice – always told not to upset Mum either by crying or carrying on, so i struggled and still do with showing emotion. I feel so lost. I’m 59 now, and am only realky happy when i am in nature – which is a bit difficult – i work very hard and don’t seem to manage to get real time off coz i never want to let anybody down. I do know it’s all up to me, to change things but i still struggle. Hyho, i have a best friend cat who lives with me and she is my everything and is so funny – she is my blessing. I just feel lost, always lost